Tuesday, March 31, 2009

In The Garden


It's been three months since my son's passing. Today also marks the 5th anniversary of my mom's death. Yet, I have such peace today. Not sure why today over other days. The weekend was tough. The weather was dreary and could not get outside. I love working in my garden and just being outside in God's creation. I find so much satisfaction in being a part of something that not only grows, but offers a gift that keeps on giving. I have always found such peace when working in the garden. When I work, I often sing one of my favorite songs. It reminds me of the many hours I have spent worshipping Him in the garden.

In the Garden -

I come to the garden alone
while the dew is still on those roses,
and the joy I hear falling on my ears
the son of God discloses

And He walks with me
And He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own
And the joy we share as we tarry there
None other has ever known
He speaks and the sound of His voice
Is so sweet that the birds hush their singing
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing
And He walks with me
And He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own
And the joy we share as we tarry there
None other has ever known

And the joy we share as we tarry there
None other has ever known
Many days when I would work in my garden, this tune would repeat over and over again in my mind. It was a reminder of God's gift to me of not only His love, but his creation to enjoy. Gardening filled my cup in so many ways. I can be frustrated or angry or sad or just wanting some me time, and the garden always bids me welcome. But, each and every time I put something into the ground, I have to face the reality that after I have done my work (till the soil, amend the soil, plant, and water), there is nothing much else I can do. The plant's ability to live and thrive is up to God. The plant either lives or it dies. No need to fuss because it is what it is. Gardening teaches you that you cannot recreate what used to be. Each season brings something different and some plants thrive and some do not survive.

My life, as it was, is over. It is what it is. There is nothing I can say or do that will change that. I will never be the same, but I can be a better person than I was before this happened. I have to find a way to put the pieces back together and allow God to do something good with it. I realize it cannot put it back the way it was; that life is gone. I do know one thing, however, I am going to live life until I can't live it anymore, whatever that looks like for me now.

The person that I was is gone and will never return again. The person who never even imagined that she would have to see one of her children pass before her. The person who had dreams and hopes for a future of watching her children raise their families, grow old and perhaps one day watch after and take care of her in old age. The person who had so much passion for helping others who can barely help herself now. The person who realizes that I shared a life with my son, but could not save his. The person who understands this journey in life is to share regardless of what that sharing holds or even for how long.
Three months ago I believed that I could make a difference by using my God given talents and gifts to help others. Today, I am searching the depths of my soul for that which once inspired me, and has sustained me so many times in the past. So many dreams have been lost. I am searching for new dreams. I am searching for the passion that has allowed me to manifest my visions and dreams, but now seems to be but a flickering of what it once was. I am searching to understand that which was once alive to me, but is now hidden from me, or perhaps is no more.

My heart aches for the life that was, but can never be. How do I find those things that have been lost to me through this tragedy? I am looking at the hand that has been dealt me and trying to find a way to make the best of it. I am not grieving for where Russell is, but I am grieving for where he is not. He is not here with us and his wife and children. We will never know the full potential that his life here could have held. This year he was to graduate from college. Now, Samarah will walk in his place and receive his diploma posthumously. His and Samarah's plans to serve the Lord on the mission field are over. This year he and Sam were going to buy a house and provide their children with a home they did not fear would blow away when the storms came. My life cannot be defined by storms, clouds and darkness. It must be defined by that which God has placed in me when He gave me new life. That must prevail.

Yesterday, Dennis Rainey and his wife Barbara were talking about letting your children know that you are trusting God to bring them into his conformity. We realize that our children do not belong to us; that He has given us a season to care for them and then we must give them wings and let them fly. I thought I had done that until I truly had to let go. Russell got his earthly wings when I gave him to the Lord. He received his heavenly wings when he went home to be with the Lord. Dennis said "children are a parent's heart walking around outside their bodies." Wow. This little line speaks volumes about how we are so heart connected to our children.

Russell was bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. He was connected to my heart and when I lost him, I lost part of me. That's the reason it hurts so deeply when we lose our children either spiritually or physically. It occurred to me that this is exactly how God feels when he loses us. We are connected to our children, just as God is connected to us, throughout eternity. I also discovered this is why my sweet husband hurts so deeply. Russell was not his blood, but his spiritual heart was connected to Michael. Michael grieves just as deeply and hurts just as badly as I do.
So many of our hearts have been touched by Russell in ways we could not even imagine until we were faced with the end of his earthly life. The sweet song of his life reminds us of his love for us and our love for him, his children, his music, his journals, his photos and our memories of him that allow our hearts to remain connected with him until we see him again. While that knowledge does not take away the pain, it does bring some comfort. While I search for answers, I must remember "a bird sings not because it has an answer, but because it has a song." Dewitt Jones.

My Prayer Today Taken From:

A Boy's Will -A Prayer In Spring
by Robert Frost (1913)

OH, give us pleasure in the flowers to-day;
And give us not to think so far away
As the uncertain harvest; keep us here
All simply in the springing of the year.
Oh, give us pleasure in the orchard white,
Like nothing else by day, like ghosts by night;
And make us happy in the happy bees,
The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.
And make us happy in the darting bird
That suddenly above the bees is heard,
The meteor that thrusts in with needle bill,
And off a blossom in mid air stands still.
For this is love and nothing else is love,
The which it is reserved for God above
To sanctify to what far ends He will,
But which it only needs that we fulfil.




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About Me

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I love the simple things in life: My husband, family, children, grandchildren, God and country. I enjoy time with family and friends, reading books that challenge me to think outside the box, and music of all genres (except rap,hiphop, and heavy metal). Too old for that and besides, it hurts my ears. People who know me understand that it takes little to make me happy.

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