Days After

No one can begin to understand all that can transpire from the day you should say good-bye until the time you actually do. I have been at this almost two months now and I have not said good-bye. I don't know if you ever really say good-bye. I don't know if I want to say good-bye. Yes, I realize that he is no longer physically with us, but he is a part of us and always will be. Russell would want us all to go on with our lives and be happy. All of us plan to do that, and we are working on it. In time, we will learn to live our lives without him physically here . Yes, we can enjoy moments of joy, peace, laughter, strength, gladness, but we will always long for the smiles, hugs, conversations, and time together that we will no longer have the privilege of sharing with him. Perhaps I am wrong about this and it's too soon to make that judgement call, but I don't think that will ever go away. If it does, I will be sure to let you know.

Following the service on Sunday, the days and weeks following were still like being in a fog. I would get up each day and send my two younger children off to school, but hang out in my pajamas most of the day. I do think there were days when I got dressed but I really don't remember. I do know that friends called and came by to visit, but I don't remember a lot about those conversations. I was in survival mode. I was not crying much. I think maybe because I had cried until I couldn't cry any more, not at least at that point. Looking back on those first few weeks, I know that I was still in shock and the fog was dense.

Michael went back to work. I know that was good for him in some ways. But in other ways, I think he may have done what I had done several times before during losses. He never really grieved and that would prove to be a struggle for me later on in the process. He was doing what he felt he needed to do and to be honest, I could not even think about him or anyone else for that matter. I know I must have talked with my grown children every day during that time checking on them to see how they were doing. I know that I cried with my husband, children and Sam. I know that we just wanted to hold each other closer. Brandi and April had to return to work as well. Something I have learned about the world around us during this time. The world stops for nothing. I suppose that is the way it is supposed to be, but boy did I struggle with how quickly things returned to "normal" for most folks, while I was trying to find my "new normal." A friend who lost her son to suicide a year before told me that "normal" is only a setting on the dryer. She was so right.

Here we were in the throws of this still unbelievable loss, and we had gone through four days of hell on earth. But, the world expects you to take your bereavement leave (about 3 days) then just get on with it. Didn't the world know we were trying to get on with it. I wanted to get on with it. But, just could not. I did not want to deny something that the Lord built into me to handle the unbearable pain Ifelt. As someone once told me, grief is nature's way of taking the pain and allowing it to heal. Grief is also God's way of bringing us to our knees and hopefully into a closer relationship with him. I always thought there must be a purpose in suffering and I thought I had that all figured out. But you cannot truly know its purpose until you have walked that path. I know the stages of grieving, but grieving is not textbook and it's different for everyone. It's a very personal journey that no one really can take with you. God can be present but that's only if you allow Him.

The pain is there whether it is given license or not. The pain has a way of sneaking back up it's least expected. And, if it is not dealt with at the time it is incurred, it can also be much more painful when it finally does come to the surface. And, eventually it shows up in one form or another. You cannot plan it, nor can you plan for it. It just has to happen. The tears come in floods when you least expect them and sometimes you cry so much that you eye sockets hurt. It's not really that you want to cry that much because it takes so much out of you emotionally and physically, but you just cannot help yourself.

My daughter's friend shared this note she found in her Bible with me. She had lost a brother as well. "Tears are so special to God that David asks him to record each one on his scroll. Tears were used to wash Jesus' feet. And Jesus himself shed them when he was overcome with grief." It goes with this verse: "Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll - are they not in your record?" Psalm 56:8 And she said this is one of her favorites: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 says God is right there with you, seeing every tear that falls.

Some people don't let the tears fall. They push them inside and try to ignore the hurt. But, eventually the pain must be released. It is either released in a healthy way or it's released in an unhealthy way. Through pain pills or other drugs, sex, pornography, alcohol, shopping, work and sometimes unhealthy relationships, the pain comes.

Then there is that category that I believe I fall into. I love the Lord and He has brought me through many trials and tribulations in my life - nothing like this and to be honest, I pray that I will never face anything like this again. I don't always know what to do with this. I am totally dependent upon Him to guide me through and allow others who have walked this journey to help me.

Years ago when while I was working on my Masters in Christian Counseling, one of my professors told my class that she believed 99% of issues we deal with in life evolve around some type of loss. I have thought about that statement a great deal over the years, and it has rung true in my life. As I have counseled women about their own issues, I do find a great deal of truth in this statement. We suffer losses from death, divorce, financial ruin, marriages gone sour, children who stray from what we have taught them, our dreams, our hopes, our desires, our childhoods, pets and the list goes on. If you think about it, we are not taught to give up. We live in a society where we are taught to acquire, hold on to, gain, and not to let go.

When my younger sister died from cancer at the age of 28, I read a book by Evelyn Christiansen called "Gaining through Losing." The paradox is that in order to gain, you must give up. Sounds crazy - huh. I would never choose to give up someone I love, let alone one of my children or to have them taken away from me by any means - death or otherwise. Yet, God has chosen this path for me and my family. These are the cards we have been dealt. We must learn to deal with it one day at a time. Somedays it's one hour, and even one minute at a time. We must learn to breath in and out, feel the sunshine and the rain on our faces, smell the sweet fragrance of roses, or the lotion on a baby. Every day is a gift and we must learn to accept the gift even when sometimes it comes wrapped in less than desirable packages.

The pain is always there and the only way I know how to get over it is to go through it. I pray for the day when I don't hurt every day. While there are days now that I don't hurt every day all day, the hurt is still there. I look forward to the day when I don't wake up every morning thinking about Russell and go to sleep thinking about him. I look forward to the day when my thoughts are not consumed with the painful memories of that dreadful day and the days following. The theme of gaining through losing resounds daily in my life - whether I choose to acknowledge it or not. I know God has a plan and a purpose. In order for me to discover what that plan is, I must be willing to let go of that which I have had and wait on the Lord to show me what it is that He wants for me through this. That which I hold onto so dearly also causes me so much pain right now. I don't want to let go - it goes against my human nature. Yet, I know without death, there can be no new birth. Without winter, there can be no spring.

Don't get me wrong. I don't blame God for this. While I know it is part of Hs permissive will for our lives, I know that it is not Hs perfect will. He would not have chosen for Russell to leave his wife and children, nor us for that matter. Yet, He did allow it. I have been asked on more than once occasion if I was angry with God. My reply is always the same "No, not yet. But that does not mean that I will not be." I have learned that blaming others does no good. It takes you down a path of being a victim and feeling helpless and hopeless. That is a choice that is not an option for me. I want to be neither helpless or hopeless. And, what if I do get angry with God and scream at Him, so what. He's big enough to handle it. He not only is big enough, He fully understands that part of my humanity. When Jesus was in the garden of Gesthesame, he cried out to God and asked if God could take the cup from him. In his next breath he said, not my will by thy will be done.

Peace comes when not only do I admit but to accept what has happened. Is it God's will? You betcha. His perfect will - I don't think so. He permissive will - well that's what I choose to believe, even though I struggle with it at times. When I do, I have to ask Him to help me with it so I won't drive myself crazy with the what ifs. I also realize that I have an enemy. His name is Satan and his mission is "to kill, steal, and destroy." I believe he does have a role in this and I am going to point my anger and rage at him. It is called righteous anger and I will not give into his schemes to torment my mind with his lies. Nor will I give into his schemes to tear my family apart or destroy everthing that we love and know to be truth.

What about Jeremiah 29:11, you say: "these are the plans I have for you, to prosper you, and not to harm you and to give you a hope and a future." What does this say about where we are right now. He has plans, yea right. He does not want to harm us and wants to give us hope and a future. How can that be in light of this enormous burden we carry right now. Well, I have heard more than once and this scripture has played over and over again in my head like a broken record "lean not on your own understanding, but in all ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. God will never leave you nor forsake you. Right now, I cling to those promises. I get through the days remembering what God has done for me in the past. I choose to remember that His faithful and just. I choose to acknowledge that He is righteous and that His ways and not my ways. I choose to believe that He has a plan and a purpose and that it is good and that in His time, He will reveal it to me. I choose not to let my enemy torture or torment me with what could have been. I have asked the Lord to always point me to His truth when I stray or doubt. It's His truth that sets me free. It's His truth that binds up the broken hearted. It's His truth that allows me to get up every day and breath and thank Him for the blessings I do have.

The enemy would want me to stay stuck in the grief and pain and not focus on my blessings. The enemy would have me believe that there is no reason to live and that it would not matter if I did not. Early on, I wanted to die. I did not want to live here without my son. I know that was the grief talking. I also know that I have so much to be thankful for and I would never want to leave my husband, my other children, grandchildren or my family. I do know that I have an appointed time as well to face death and when that time comes, I am ready. But, I know that it is not my choice; it is God's alone.

The enemy attacks and is relentless in his efforts to take everything that is good and wonderful in my life and destroy it. I choose to believe that my redeemer lives and that He wants me to cast my cares upon Him for He cares for me. Every day I hold on to the fact that my son is preparing that place for us to join Him someday. And until we do, we will laugh, dance, play, cry tears of joy and sadness. Until that day, I will hold on to the arms of those I love and to Him who loves us all. I will be more than an overcomer. I am a conquerer through Christ Jesus. Through Him, all things are possible. To Him goes all the glory forever and ever and ever.

"Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine. Oh what a foretaste of glory divine. Heir of salvation, purchased of blood, born of the spirit, washed in His blood. This is my story. This is my song. Praising my savior all the day long. This is my story. This is my song. Praising my savior all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight. Visions of rapture now burst in my sight. Angels descending, bring from above, echoes of mercy, whispers of love. This is my story, this is my song. Praising my savior all the day long. This is my story, this is my song. Praising my savior all the day long."

I will press on toward that high calling that is in Christ Jesus. I will remember that my battle is not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities. I will REMEMBER who Jesus is and what He has done for me. I will.