In The Garden

It's been three months since my son's passing. Today also marks the 5th anniversary of my mom's death. Yet, I have such peace today. Not sure why today over other days. The weekend was tough. The weather was dreary and could not get outside. I love working in my garden and just being outside in God's creation. I find so much satisfaction in being a part of something that not only grows, but offers a gift that keeps on giving. I have always found such peace when working in the garden. When I work, I often sing one of my favorite songs. It reminds me of the many hours I have spent worshipping Him in the garden.

In the Garden -

I come to the garden alone

while the dew is still on those roses,

and the joy I hear falling on my ears

the son of God discloses

And He walks with me

And He talks with me

And He tells me I am His own

And the joy we share as we tarry there

None other has ever known

He speaks and the sound of His voice

Is so sweet that the birds hush their singing

And the melody that He gave to me

Within my heart is ringing

And He walks with me

And He talks with me

And He tells me I am His own

And the joy we share as we tarry there

None other has ever known

And the joy we share as we tarry there

None other has ever known

Many days when I would work in my garden, this tune would repeat over and over again in my mind. It was a reminder of God's gift to me of not only His love, but his creation to enjoy. Gardening filled my cup in so many ways. I can be frustrated or angry or sad or just wanting some me time, and the garden always bids me welcome. But, each and every time I put something into the ground, I have to face the reality that after I have done my work (till the soil, amend the soil, plant, and water), there is nothing much else I can do. The plant's ability to live and thrive is up to God. The plant either lives or it dies. No need to fuss because it is what it is. Gardening teaches you that you cannot recreate what used to be. Each season brings something different and some plants thrive and some do not survive.

My life, as it was, is over. It is what it is. There is nothing I can say or do that will change that. I will never be the same, but I can be a better person than I was before this happened. I have to find a way to put the pieces back together and allow God to do something good with it. I realize it cannot put it back the way it was; that life is gone. I do know one thing, however, I am going to live life until I can't live it anymore, whatever that looks like for me now.

The person that I was is gone and will never return again. The person who never even imagined that she would have to see one of her children pass before her. The person who had dreams and hopes for a future of watching her children raise their families, grow old and perhaps one day watch after and take care of her in old age. The person who had so much passion for helping others who can barely help herself now. The person who realizes that I shared a life with my son, but could not save his. The person who understands this journey in life is to share regardless of what that sharing holds or even for how long.

Three months ago I believed that I could make a difference by using my God given talents and gifts to help others. Today, I am searching the depths of my soul for that which once inspired me, and has sustained me so many times in the past. So many dreams have been lost. I am searching for new dreams. I am searching for the passion that has allowed me to manifest my visions and dreams, but now seems to be but a flickering of what it once was. I am searching to understand that which was once alive to me, but is now hidden from me, or perhaps is no more.

My heart aches for the life that was, but can never be. How do I find those things that have been lost to me through this tragedy? I am looking at the hand that has been dealt me and trying to find a way to make the best of it. I am not grieving for where Russell is, but I am grieving for where he is not. He is not here with us and his wife and children. We will never know the full potential that his life here could have held. This year he was to graduate from college. Now, Samarah will walk in his place and receive his diploma posthumously. His and Samarah's plans to serve the Lord on the mission field are over. This year he and Sam were going to buy a house and provide their children with a home they did not fear would blow away when the storms came. My life cannot be defined by storms, clouds and darkness. It must be defined by that which God has placed in me when He gave me new life. That must prevail.

Yesterday, Dennis Rainey and his wife Barbara were talking about letting your children know that you are trusting God to bring them into his conformity. We realize that our children do not belong to us; that He has given us a season to care for them and then we must give them wings and let them fly. I thought I had done that until I truly had to let go. Russell got his earthly wings when I gave him to the Lord. He received his heavenly wings when he went home to be with the Lord. Dennis said "children are a parent's heart walking around outside their bodies." Wow. This little line speaks volumes about how we are so heart connected to our children.

Russell was bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. He was connected to my heart and when I lost him, I lost part of me. That's the reason it hurts so deeply when we lose our children either spiritually or physically. It occurred to me that this is exactly how God feels when he loses us. We are connected to our children, just as God is connected to us, throughout eternity. I also discovered this is why my sweet husband hurts so deeply. Russell was not his blood, but his spiritual heart was connected to Michael. Michael grieves just as deeply and hurts just as badly as I do.

So many of our hearts have been touched by Russell in ways we could not even imagine until we were faced with the end of his earthly life. The sweet song of his life reminds us of his love for us and our love for him, his children, his music, his journals, his photos and our memories of him that allow our hearts to remain connected with him until we see him again. While that knowledge does not take away the pain, it does bring some comfort. While I search for answers, I must remember "a bird sings not because it has an answer, but because it has a song." Dewitt Jones.

My Prayer Today Taken From:

A Boy's Will -A Prayer In Spring
by Robert Frost (1913)

OH, give us pleasure in the flowers to-day;

And give us not to think so far away

As the uncertain harvest; keep us here

All simply in the springing of the year.

Oh, give us pleasure in the orchard white,

Like nothing else by day, like ghosts by night;

And make us happy in the happy bees,

The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.

And make us happy in the darting bird

That suddenly above the bees is heard,

The meteor that thrusts in with needle bill,

And off a blossom in mid air stands still.

For this is love and nothing else is love,

The which it is reserved for God above

To sanctify to what far ends He will,

But which it only needs that we fulfil.

Facing the Enemy

I am a believer in Christ. The Lord and I have been through some tough times together, but never anything like this. My husband and I talked about where we were spiritually several weeks after Russell's death. I shared that I felt like (and I use the word "felt" lightly because I am careful not to give license to feelings without facts) the Lord was so very far away from me. I could not feel the Lord, and I so desperately wanted for Him to speak to me, and help me to understand why this had happened, yet He was silent. I know the Lord owes me nothing and does not have to explain himself to me. I wanted answers and I wanted comfort that I had received from Him in the past; yet He was silent.

I had been so close to Him at times in the past that I could feel literal arms surrounding me. I so desperately wanted that closeness during this time. I have been brokenhearted and pressed down and shaken out so many times that you would think I am so refined there could possibly be no more refining to do. I have been through the fires that were so hot at times, I truly thought that hell had to be here on earth, because it couldn't possibly be much tougher any where else. Where is He now? Why the silent treatment? Why couldn't He just let me know what His plan was for all of this. I knew there was one and I was determined to find out what it was.

I remember when I was much younger and really working hard to find my place in this world. There was no Purpose Driven Life. There was no Experiencing God to help me learn about how God reveals Himself to us. I did not understand that God created me with a plan and purpose. I did not understand how valuable a human life is to God. Then came that amazing revelation (and not all at once, I add) that He is who He says He is. He is the alpha and the omega; He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He will never give us a burden we cannot carry. He will never leave us nor forsake us. His yoke is easy and his burden is light. I had learned not only to trust Him, but to lean on him as well. Or at least I was pretty sure that I trusted Him because I had learned that He knew better than I what I needed. Then comes that time when you faith is shaken in a way that it has never been shaken before. The test of your life to hold onto your faith is in progress and you are not sure if you can or will pass.

But I must be honest with you about where I was spiritually at that time. The first month I could barely think about Him. My thoughts no matter how hard I tried to refocus were always on Russell. Each and every day I had to work hard to praise Him. Each and every day I remembered what we had been through together and how He had carried me so many times before. Each and every day I turned to His truths (those that were hidden in my heart) because I had not been able to pick up my Bible since Russell's death. Each and every day I called out to Him - silence. I could not pray; I could not read the Word; I could not praise Him. I was lost in a sea of doubt and did not know how to find my way home. I knew things would never be the same, but I so desperately wanted to return to that place where I was sure that He loved me and cared for me.

The enemy has a way of creeping in like a stalking animal, waiting to devour, and pouncing when you least expect it. That sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop was constant. While I remained faithful to the Lord with my words, my heart was struggling to find answers to questions that haunted me. I was questioning whether I really knew Him like I thought. The battle truly goes on in the mind; and that battle is for sanity. I was not sure I could remain sane or even if I wanted to.

While I was having difficulty returning to those things (scripture and prayer) and to the one who brought me comfort, I am thankful that I had enough presence of mind to remember who my enemy was. I made a committment during those first couple of days to not give the enemy a foothold in any of the current events. I chose to not let him have any victory over me because Russell's death. I knew that he would take advantage of the situation and would begin to hammer me and my family. I knew that my enemy was seeking to kill, steal, and destroy. I knew he would stop at nothing and use anyone or anything to take me down.

Something interesting happens when life throws the worst at you. You get in the fight or flight mode. I am and have always been a fighter, but I did not have much energy or even desire to fight at that point in time. I was just waiting for the next worst thing. I was in the flight mode and just waiting, and waiting, and waiting for that next worst thing so I could just run and hide. I did not know what was coming next, but I was sure that it was and the next one had to be worse than the last. I could not even imagine what that would look like, but I was sure that it was not going to be anything that I would want to face. All those years of training were not serving me well now. I felt powerless, defenseless and like a wounded animal waiting to die. The scriptures just kept coming to my mind. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted." "He lifted me up out of the muck and mire and set my feet on a solid rock. He gave me a firm place to stand; and put a new song in my heart." These were truths I knew, and kept proclaiming even though they were not heart felt.

I love movies that have great story lines. I have been a Sci Fi fan for years and some of my favorite movies are the Star Wars series. I remember the first time I saw a Star Wars movie"The Empire Strikes Back." I took my three little children (April, Brandi, and Russell) to the local mall in the early 80s to see the first one. It was so much fun; the kids loved it, especially Russell. It was right up his ally with the laser lights, the Jedi knights, and good guys against the bad guys; it had all the elements for a great story and would set the stage for me to become hooked.

There is a scene in the movie where the hero, Luke Skywalker, goes to a swamp where he is to train with the Jedi Master, Yoda. Luke is impetuous and biting at the bit to fight, but has much to learn. Yoda is trying to train the young and very impatient Skywalker, but becomes frustrated when Skywalker is determined to do things his way. Yoda is working with Luke to teach him how to bridle his emotions and not let the emotions take control, but allow the good force in him to control. Luke goes into this cave with his light sabre and full attack gear. He goes through this tremendous struggle with an adversary, and finally cuts off the head of the enemy. As the head rolls away and lands face up, Luke discovers that the face is his. He has been fighting with himself. That's the way I feel at times. The battle rages within; within my mind and I have to allow God to take control, or I can become insane with my own thoughts. I would not even begin to tell you all the thoughts that run through your mind at a time like this. Some I wouldn't share with my closest confidant. Some of my greatest spiritual battles of the mind occurred during the first few weeks. But, I just kept going back to that which I knew to be truth. One of my first memorized scriptures comes from John 8:32 "you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free."

I am like impetious Luke Skywalker at times. I know that I must allow the Holy Spirit to be my guide, but I am like an unbridled, untamed stallion, chomping at the bit to be allowed to run my own way on my own terms. The problem with that philosophy is that you don't always know where you are running to. I once heard it said that you cannot run to something when you are running away from something else. This is so true. We can run and run, yet we cannot hide from who we are or what we think. We can only be transformed into a new person with new thoughts. That comes one day at a time as we allow God to be the master and us the student. Yoda was the master. Luke was the student, but he so wanted to be in control. His energies needed to be reserved for the time when he would need all the wisdom, training, and experience he could muster to face the enemy. The Lord has been training me for years and I keep asking myself, how long. How long does it take to become the master of bridling the mind. The answer I keep getting is not until I have been perfected by Him in eternity. In a few short words, not in this life.

Sounds pretty discouraging, huh. But the truth is that God has begun a good work in me that will not be perfected until I see Him face to face in eternity. He continues to prepare me for the challenges ahead. I cannot fathom anything worse than losing a child, but I am sure they are out there just waiting to devour. It's not a matter of if the attacks come; it's a matter of when the attacks come. While I do not profess to have taken hold of it yet, I, like Paul, will press on, press on, press on that that high calling which is in Christ Jesus. I must also be content in allowing him to be the master and me the student. If He is silent, I will be silent. If He is still, I will be still. If He says go, I will say "here I am Lord, send me." Whatever He asks of me, I will do. I may not embrace it immediately or even be happy about it at the time, but I choose to serve the Lord with every heartbeat I take. I will allow Him to take the shattered pieces of my life and make something beautiful out of them. That is the Lord I know and that is He whom I serve with great joy. Each and every day is a challenge for the thoughts of my mind to be taken captive and brought into obedience under Him. That quest to be transformed into His image is not over. I really don't expect it to be here, but I press on and look forward to the day when I am completely perfected in Him. He is the potter and I am the clay, being molded into His image each and every day.